07 June 2013
IN WHICH MISS HARTFEIL DROPS SOME SCIENCE ON HER TENTH GRADE CLASSROOM
By Curtis C. Chen
The Martians came from the future. We didn't know that at first, and neither did they. And how did we find out? Anyone? That's right, Becky, we had sex with them.
All right, everybody simmer down! You knew this was going to be today's lesson, and we have a lot to get through here.
Who knows where the first ship from Mars landed?
Yes. And the name of the woman who greeted our first visitors from another planet?
Correct. Does anybody know more about that initial encounter? Go ahead, Tanis.
Okay. Thank you, Tanis, for that disturbingly clinical retelling of what was, at the time, a rather sensational news event.
Some of your grandparents may have been alive for this, so as a side project—yes, Molly, it is worth extra credit—you can interview a family member about what they remember from that time.
Now, before anything else, I need to say this: Do not have unprotected sex with anybody! Especially not alien life forms from outer space.
I'm going to say that several times today, because though it might seem like an obvious health safety tip, clearly it wasn't anywhere near Jessy Harper's mind on that fateful night in Willow Creek.
Once again: Do not have unprotected sex with space aliens. Or humans! Just don't do it, okay?
It is possible that young Jessy thought she was safe from disease or pregnancy because her lover wasn't human. Well, she was wrong. There's another important lesson here: If something seems weird, it's probably even weirder than you think. The universe is really, really, really weird, guys.
Here's the punchline. That Martian who had sexual intercourse with Jessy Harper was, in fact, also human. The same species as us—homo sapiens. He came from a civilization of humans who had left Earth, some time in our future, and colonized Mars, hundreds of thousands of years in their distant past.
I'm not going to get into the time travel stuff, because I honestly don't understand it, and that's Mr. Wright's job to teach you about wormholes and brane spaces and quantum foam. It took everyone here on Earth a long time to figure out what was going on with the Martians, but after we did, whole new areas of scientific research opened up to us.
Back to the species thing. Who here has a pet dog or cat at home? Angie, what breed is your dog?
Okay. Does anybody know how many different breeds of dogs there are?
It's a lot. Hundreds worldwide. And while a sheepdog may look very different from a chihuahua or a terrier, all dogs can interbreed and produce viable offspring. So you could think of Martians as just another breed of people. Another race.
Despite their unusual appearance and strange language, the Martians were still biologically human. They had basically human genitalia, which made possible that first Martian's coupling with Jessy Harper, and human DNA, which made possible her subsequent pregnancy.
Yes, Dora, we will talk about Martian penises very soon. You can put your hand down. Thank you.
Photo Credit: dcJohn via Compfight cc