09 March 2012

"Nice Day for a Drive"

By Curtis C. Chen

"You know," Bobby said, "I respect women. I really do. Which is why I don't like to use certain epithets, but I'm going to make an exception in this case. Special occasion. Here goes. Ready?"


"What do you think you're doing, you crazy bitch!" Bobby shouted.

"Be quiet!" Amanda yelled back. "Or—or I'll gag you!"

Bobby took a breath and leaned forward. "No, you won't. You're in too much of a hurry, otherwise you would have gagged me already. Isn't that what kidnappers usually do?"

"I am not a kidnapper!"

"Right." Bobby chuckled. "I must be a bit confused. Would you prefer 'abductor?' The slightly more exotic 'shanghaier?' Maybe if you told me exactly what's going on, I could suggest more accurate terminology for your precise criminal act—"

"You're kidnapping me!" Amanda said.

Bobby frowned. "Okay, now I think you're confused."

"Your family did something to my android," Amanda said. She felt very pleased with herself for coming up with such an excellent plan on such short notice, and was glad to be sharing the details with someone. "Used some sort of technology virus to turn Irwin against me. Obviously, you were involved; why else would a nobody like you ever approach someone like me? You fooled me into thinking you were helping me, when you really just wanted to lure me back to my car, where you incapacitated my driver and took me hostage."

Bobby gaped at her. "Please tell me you're in some kind of therapy," he said. "Your family can't possibly have missed all these symptoms of mental illness—"

"However," Amanda continued, "once we arrived at your secret criminal hideout, where you were set to meet your accomplices, they double-crossed you and beat you to within an inch of your life before absconding with me."

"Okay, your life cannot be so boring that you need to manufacture all this drama," Bobby said. "Also, is the beating part negotiable? Because I bruise very easily—"

"The last thing you heard me say, before I was taken away and you lost consciousness, is that I regretted not being able to perform Rosen's Twelfth before these fateful events transpired." Amanda raised one hand wistfully toward the sky.

"Seriously!" Bobby seemed to have some kind of fit in the back seat. "I mean, seriously! Can you hear yourself right now? Are you on medication? Did you forget to take some medication this morning?"

"You really don't have to shout," Amanda said. "I can hear you just fine."

"I was at a piano recital!" Bobby said, cupping his hands around his mouth. "I was going to go to lunch with my friends and then play some ball later! And now I'm being driven into the Walford Wood, where I'll probably be killed. So I'm sorry, but I'm going to spend my last hours doing whatever the hell I want!" He paused for a second, then added, "You crazy bitch!"


Image: Winter - Forest Drive by Celeste Goulding, June, 2006