NaNoWriMo

"Guns, Shooting Velociraptors Out Of" was inspired by a rather silly thread of the same name in the nanowrimo.org forums.

I did not make up any of the dinosaur names. I got them from the educational web site Zoom Dinosaurs©. My favorite is the Masiakasaurus, which was named knopfleri because the paleontologists were listening to Dire Straits when they dug it up.

The product model numbers are a tribute to H.G. Wells' classic The Time Machine (published in 1895) and Stephen Baxter's sequel, The Time Ships (published in 1995).

I suppose the overall tone of the piece is an homage to John Scalzi's BrainPal™ brochure in Old Man's War. Like they say, steal from the best.

And, as always, I owe a debt of gratitude to Ray Bradbury (but NOT Peter Hyams).

Audio: "Guns, Shooting Velociraptors Out Of"

Music: "Schrodinger's Cat Paradox" by cjacks, licensed under Creative Commons from ccMixter.

I think this more or less speaks for itself.

"Guns, Shooting Velociraptors Out Of"

GUNS, SHOOTING VELOCIRAPTORS OUT OF
By Curtis C. Chen

Congratulations on your purchase of the SuperBadIdeas, Inc., Model TTS-1995 RAPTORGUN™ Semi-Automatic Theropod Projector! The RAPTORGUN™ has served many eco-military galactic regimes, and now, thanks to new arms treaties, SuperBadIdeas is proud to bring this state-of-the-art bio-weapon to private citizens like you!

IMPORTANT: Read these instructions completely before attempting to operate your RAPTORGUN™.  SuperBadIdeas is not responsible for injuries, property damage, or temporal anomalies which may result from improper usage of its products.

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. Your RAPTORGUN™ requires four GG power cells for operation. SuperBadIdeas recommends using alkaline power cells. DO NOT USE RECHARGEABLE, DRY PLASMA OR ZERO-POINT SOURCES TO POWER YOUR RAPTORGUN™. Using non-standard power cells may trigger the formation of gravitational singularities and will void your warranty.

SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED. To comply with interstellar freight laws, your RAPTORGUN™ is shipped in three parts. Follow the included holovid instructions to assemble your RAPTORGUN™. When properly assembled, you should see three solid green lights on top of the wormhole chamber. You are now ready to use your RAPTORGUN™!

IMPORTANT: Never aim your RAPTORGUN™ at friendly personnel. Never look into the barrel of your RAPTORGUN™. Never place fingers or other organic matter inside the wormhole chamber.

To fire your RAPTORGUN™, hold the weapon in both hands and pull the trigger. A flash of light and a thunderous noise will accompany the projection of your theropod!

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. What kind of theropods will my RAPTORGUN™ project?

A. Your RAPTORGUN™ displaces specimens from the Senonian epoch. Though the TTM-1895 wormhole chamber will only transmit carnivorous theropods of a certain size, you may receive any of the following:

• Avimimus portentosus
• Bambiraptor feinbergi
• Masiakasaurus knopfleri
• Nedcolbertia justinhoffmani
• Velociraptor mongoliensis
• Zapsalis abradens

NOTE: Many species of Senonian theropods remain undiscovered. If your RAPTORGUN™ projects an unfamiliar animal, please contact the SuperBadIdeas Discovery Hotline immediately.

Q. How far can I project my theropods?

A. SuperBadIdeas recommends a minimum safe distance of three meters between shooter and target.

In order to displace a living animal through the wormhole, your RAPTORGUN™ translates each theropod into a Coherent Matter Stream™. If your target is less than three meters from the RAPTORGUN™, the stream may not resolve into its original form before reaching the target. The resulting quantum effects are unpredictable, and may include (but are not limited to): full or partial merging of theropod and target bodies; full or partial destruction of theropod and/or target bodies; and ruptures in local Calabi-Yau manifolds. Please consult your municipal authorities to determine what zoning requirements may apply to the creation of permanent hyperdimensional paradoxes in your community.

Q. I want to project a theropod over the top of a hill or tall structure. How can I calculate the proper trajectory?

A. Your RAPTORGUN™ is a personal sidearm and not suitable for use as artillery. Please consider other hardware, such as the SuperBadIdeas DINOWITZER® and MORTARSAURUS® products.

Want to get more out of your RAPTORGUN™? Visit our websphere for information on the HUSH-GUPPY™ silencer, EGG-BASKET® automatic fire conversion kit, and other accessories!