23 October 2009
WHY YOU WATCH*
By Curtis C. Chen
I want to—no, actually, I need to tell you how I lost my virginity. I want you to understand why I do what I do.
He was an actor. I won't tell you his name, for oh so many reasons. My dad worked on his show, I had met him on set a few times, and—this part's not really important. The point is, he asked me out, and I thought I was the luckiest girl on the planet.
So he took me to dinner, and then we were supposed to attend a performance, but he said he didn't want any paparazzi to snap me, and did I just want to watch something in his hotel suite instead? Of course I said yes, because I was a stupid kid with stars in her eyes and I was crushing on him even harder for being so considerate.
Back at his hotel, he put on some music, we drank, we danced, he held me and kissed me—I know, it's all so clichéd, but back then, in the moment, it was like a dream. I was the princess, he was the prince, and he was So. Damn. Charming. I didn't have a chance.
He had a vid capture setup in the bedroom. He didn't ask me, just started recording. He didn't ask me a lot of things. He hurt me and he didn't stop, and I couldn't stop him. The look on his face—it was like I wasn't even a person to him, like I was just a prop.
The good news is, I spent those minutes figuring out how I could get away. And I noticed the blinking red light in the corner. So after he finished, when he let go of my arms and rolled off of me, I went straight for the capture to grab that disc.
His last bad decision of the night was to chase me across the room, yelling the whole time so I knew exactly where he was. I picked up the capture and swung it as hard as I could into the side of his head. Smashed the equipment and knocked him out cold. I took the disc and called Emergency. I was still crying when the medics showed up.
But I didn't destroy the disc. I kept it after the trial. The thing is, the vid itself isn't even that shocking. It's ugly and sickening, but it's ordinary. That was the worst part: realizing that something so horrible could be so mundane.
I have no illusions about what I do. I know it's all impulse-mapped and computer-enhanced, but I don't lie to my audience, and it's the best sex that some of them will ever experience. They need to know that sex can be enjoyable, even beautiful. Even if this is the only time they feel that, at least they can keep the memory of it.
That's why I do this. If you can't accept that, well, then you need to leave.
But I'd really prefer it if you stayed.
* With apologies to http://whyiwatch.com
Photo credits: "My eye" by Jean-Jacques MILAN; "Canon FD lens rear" by Matthew J. Brown; editing done in GIMP 2.6.3.