07 November 2008

"Guns, Shooting Velociraptors Out Of"

By Curtis C. Chen

Congratulations on your purchase of the SuperBadIdeas, Inc., Model TTS-1995 RAPTORGUN™ Semi-Automatic Theropod Projector! The RAPTORGUN™ has served many eco-military galactic regimes, and now, thanks to new arms treaties, SuperBadIdeas is proud to bring this state-of-the-art bio-weapon to private citizens like you!

IMPORTANT: Read these instructions completely before attempting to operate your RAPTORGUN™.  SuperBadIdeas is not responsible for injuries, property damage, or temporal anomalies which may result from improper usage of its products.

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. Your RAPTORGUN™ requires four GG power cells for operation. SuperBadIdeas recommends using alkaline power cells. DO NOT USE RECHARGEABLE, DRY PLASMA OR ZERO-POINT SOURCES TO POWER YOUR RAPTORGUN™. Using non-standard power cells may trigger the formation of gravitational singularities and will void your warranty.

To comply with interstellar freight laws, your RAPTORGUN™ is shipped in three parts. Follow the included holovid instructions to assemble your RAPTORGUN™. When properly assembled, you should see three solid green lights on top of the wormhole chamber. You are now ready to use your RAPTORGUN™!

IMPORTANT: Never aim your RAPTORGUN™ at friendly personnel. Never look into the barrel of your RAPTORGUN™. Never place fingers or other organic matter inside the wormhole chamber.

To fire your RAPTORGUN™, hold the weapon in both hands and pull the trigger. A flash of light and a thunderous noise will accompany the projection of your theropod!


Q. What kind of theropods will my RAPTORGUN™ project?

A. Your RAPTORGUN™ displaces specimens from the Senonian epoch. Though the TTM-1895 wormhole chamber will only transmit carnivorous theropods of a certain size, you may receive any of the following:
  • Avimimus portentosus
  • Bambiraptor feinbergi
  • Masiakasaurus knopfleri
  • Nedcolbertia justinhoffmani
  • Velociraptor mongoliensis
  • Zapsalis abradens
NOTE: Many species of Senonian theropods remain undiscovered. If your RAPTORGUN™ projects an unfamiliar animal, please contact the SuperBadIdeas Discovery Hotline immediately.

Q. How far can I project my theropods?

A. SuperBadIdeas recommends a minimum safe distance of three meters between shooter and target.

In order to displace a living animal through the wormhole, your RAPTORGUN™ translates each theropod into a Coherent Matter Stream™. If your target is less than three meters from the RAPTORGUN™, the stream may not resolve into its original form before reaching the target. The resulting quantum effects are unpredictable, and may include (but are not limited to): full or partial merging of theropod and target bodies; full or partial destruction of theropod and/or target bodies; and ruptures in local Calabi-Yau manifolds. Please consult your municipal authorities to determine what zoning requirements may apply to the creation of permanent hyperdimensional paradoxes in your community.

Q. I want to project a theropod over the top of a hill or tall structure. How can I calculate the proper trajectory?

A. Your RAPTORGUN™ is a personal sidearm and not suitable for use as artillery. Please consider other hardware, such as the SuperBadIdeas DINOWITZER® and MORTARSAURUS® products.

Want to get more out of your RAPTORGUN™? Visit our websphere for information on the HUSH-GUPPY™ silencer, EGG-BASKET® automatic fire conversion kit, and other accessories!


1 comment:

lahosken said...

I think the next version of this thing should support shooting a stream of kittens ahead of the velociraptor. They would act as "tracers". This would help the shooter to correct his/her aim, and might also help guide the velociraptor to the target.