tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8263012878402077039.post6429494821182850300..comments2017-08-14T18:44:04.281-07:00Comments on 512 Words or Fewer: "Better"CKLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813803474788808773noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8263012878402077039.post-54071913277981561552009-05-17T01:48:00.000-07:002009-05-17T01:48:00.000-07:00Intense. Disturbing.
It hints at a larger world ...Intense. Disturbing.<br /><br />It hints at a larger world that is ripe with story possibilities.<br /><br />I like it.<br /><br /> - ChrisChris Dunphyhttp://www.technomadia.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8263012878402077039.post-42273467901553525102009-02-08T14:02:00.000-08:002009-02-08T14:02:00.000-08:00Jadrew's got a sister, a father, and all those fri...Jadrew's got a sister, a father, and all those friends you mentioned, Corby. CKL can do his three-book series with one of them. No retcon necessary. :)DeeAnnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08754787580496239398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8263012878402077039.post-86899102122708629552009-02-08T08:31:00.000-08:002009-02-08T08:31:00.000-08:00Like LC, I wanted to read more. I was drawn in by...Like LC, I wanted to read more. I was drawn in by that first striking sentence, and in 0.5k words, you had me feeling for this character. I was disappointed that you killed him off (because I wanted to read more, not because of your style). I was imagining the genesis of a rebellion with friends and strife and betrayal and victory... but there's the poor guy lying dead at the bottom of the page. Please insert three books between the first and last paragraphs :-)Corbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14463294628385475922noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8263012878402077039.post-70577328555731596322009-02-07T14:47:00.000-08:002009-02-07T14:47:00.000-08:00If this story was about super-evolved whales, then...If this story was about super-evolved whales, then you could coin the term "scrimshandicide," which would be awesome.lahoskenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12011437847555356710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8263012878402077039.post-33831115062769078582009-02-07T14:38:00.000-08:002009-02-07T14:38:00.000-08:00Thanks for the feedback, LC. I can always count o...Thanks for the feedback, LC. I can always count on you to zero in on the weak points in my writing. Must be all your years of martial arts training. ;)CKLhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05813803474788808773noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8263012878402077039.post-53741847782288595842009-02-07T13:14:00.000-08:002009-02-07T13:14:00.000-08:00Chilling. A beautiful story about all sides of pro...Chilling. A beautiful story about all sides of progress. The one thing I might remove because it telegraphs a little too bluntly and the lines following it deliver the story much more effectively: "But where was the significance in that? If he was going to kill himself, he wanted his last act to have meaning." The way you describe Sidrav and Jandrew's reaction "shows, not tells" the story.<BR/>I would love to see this develop into a story. I think the world you've created in all our heads could only get stronger with more of your words.LChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11041525871239371612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8263012878402077039.post-39911761930552338322009-02-06T22:15:00.000-08:002009-02-06T22:15:00.000-08:00Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.CKLhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05813803474788808773noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8263012878402077039.post-64301070488403625102009-02-06T07:13:00.000-08:002009-02-06T07:13:00.000-08:001. This story may cause Restless Lef Syndrome. Ser...1. This story may cause Restless Lef Syndrome. Seriously, my leg is trying to run away.<BR/><BR/>2. There's a whole world here, less than 500 words. Part of me wants you to write more, and part of me desperately hopes you don't because I don't want the world in my head to evaporate.<BR/><BR/>Nice work.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com